There and back again

Catharsis is a good word. Too often I use that word when all I really had was a realization. A real catharsis comes with a life change. A realization comes with self knowledge.

Alice the aftermath

I have to sob uncontrollably for a few minutes.

I put a link up to my blog so that people could read about Alice. Some folks read it and said nice things. But tragedy writes itself doesn't it?

I now think of my life as before and after. Before I was young and had my whole life ahead of me. After there are consequences to selfishness and there is shame. Shame that I cannot find it in myself to forgive those who are not as strong as I am. I have had a hard life. I struggled through some very tough situations and came out of those situations with what I consider to be a positive outcome. Somewhere deep down I know that I am a survivor. That I have the ability to pull myself up by my bootstraps and move on. Deep down. In my daily thoughts, I am less. Less than good, less than valuable. For some reason completely beyond my ken I cannot internalize that I am a successful person, with a stalled career, but with a good life. Good friends, good relationships, amazing children and even a grandchild.

So I guess this blog was never really about Alice. It was about me and how she changed who I was and who I am. While I choose to remember the warm breezes and the laughter, I choose to ignore the demons that were hovering.

We all face those demons every day. Some of us fall victim. Some, like me, have smaller demons more easily given into. Smoking cigarettes, overeating, trying not to be unkind, sometimes I win and sometimes I lose but what occurs to me is that some of us have never been tested. Not like Alice was tested. Her demons were large and ugly and too big to defeat.

In this after part of my life I hope to learn something. I hope to make this loss mean something.

But the truth is I don't know if it means anything.

I loved her.

Alice Part 3

So here we are. Single (me off an ugly breakup) adorable and in South Florida. My God we had a blast. Beach everyday, Bars every night. Eventually we both found boyfriends who we then forced to be friends with each other. Worked out for one set, not so much for the other. I got married and had kids and she was Aunt Alice. She came to see me as often as she could. We hung out less and less frequently. Bad things happened. To me and to her. Good things happened too. I did get some amazing kids out of the deal. I moved back to Maryland. Eventually she did too. I thought that we were on the same page. I thought that while partying was still a part of our lives it wasn't the focus. I thought we both thought that our kids were the most important things and that we had to think about the future. I was wrong. I was wrong that she put her focus into partying. When her husband tried to get her to stop she divorced him. She paid out the nose to do it and lost custody of her kids as a result, but that's where she wanted to be, free single and beach every day bar every night. I am not so naive to think that drinking was her drug of choice either. My understanding from those who had the information that heroin was her favorite. During this time and since she moved back she did not contact me. She knew my number and she didn't return calls. I got most of my information from the Lawyer we both shared.

Then about 2 Christmases ago I got this question from my daughter. How did Alice die?

What? Alice isn't dead that is so ridiculous. I would have heard. We were closer than sisters for 12 years.

But she was. Someone in Boca had seen her name on a tombstone next to her father.

I called the ex husband of Alice's actual sister who was a friend from high school and who I had a friendly relationship with. He gave me the story. After divorcing her husband and giving up her kids she went back to what she did best. Drugs and alcohol. eventually all the heroin and cocaine ruined her heart and she was dead before 50 of a heart attack from which she could not be revived. No one called me.

When her father died, also very young, I was the first phone call. Donald (Alice's husband) called me and I rushed right over to side to grieve with her. I sat with the family during the services and put out food and cleaned up after the reception after the funeral. I tried to keep it together for her because I knew she couldn't keep it together by herself. We were all in Shock. Jim was so young, so active and so vital. He died in a motor scooter accident after leaving the bar where Alice was bar-tending. She got a little better after that, partying wise. She had a son and then a daughter and I thought she had her life on track.

But she didn't. She just hid it from everyone. She stopped calling her friends that, at least the friends who didn't do the same drugs she did.

I saw her in the food lion in Severna Park. She was with her sister and was buying food for a party that she invited me to. She looked skinny, but then she always looked skinny. She was high but then she always looked high. I told her that I couldn't come to the party, but she should call me. She never did. I never called her either. I don't like self destruction. It's so hard to watch and it feels like you are dying too.

So I did what I always do when people I know and love go into self destruct mode. I delete them. I deleted her from my life. I thought to myself, we are in different places now. I am a single mom, going to college, working, and in a new relationship that eventually turned into a solid and good marriage. I stopped thinking about her.

How did Alice die?

She died because she had no center. No sense of "things will get better". She had no sense of self worth. She died because she could not stand the reality of life. She died because cocaine and heroin became the parents and siblings and friends she should have had. When she was high the world was a soft nice place. A place where it didn't matter that her parents cared more about each other than they did there kids and then hated each other more than they loved their kids.

A place where giving up her kids was the kindest thing she could do for them because she had nothing to offer.

I keep finding pictures of her. Silly pictures. Every year on my birthday the carnival would come to Boca High School. It was our tradition that we got liquored up and go to the Carnival. I have a picture on a button of her and me and Carol. I found some pictures of a dinner we went to with her Grandmother. All dressed up in each others clothes. I have a picture of me and her sister which the memory of her laughing while she took the picture with the sun in her face.

She was glorious. She was kind. She was loyal. She was funny. She was also sad and afraid and lonely.

I miss her. I have missed her for a lot longer than she has actually been gone. I have guilt that maybe I could have saved her, but more likely I would have lost myself to the same demons.

not dying. Drama Queen.

Scary Words

Triage is a scary word. Especially if you might possibly have a cancerous condition. I called a doctors office for an appointment told them what I was being referred for and they asked me to have my current doctor fax their notes over so they could do TRIAGE to get me a sooner appointment. fuck me.
I am not scared of dying. lets be clear. I am scared of leaving my kids in the condition I was in when my mother died. I was completely unprepared. of course, who can be prepared for losing their mom. Mary is only 11. What the hell is that going to do to her Psyche? Thank God Bill is the kind of parent he is. Totally involved. She has three older sisters who love her.
I worry about the financial struggle that this will cause Bill.
This sucks.
At least its not lung cancer. LOL

Hey Parents

Hello New Parents:
I am going to give you the best advice about parenting you will ever get. Learn this word. NO. Now say it with me. NO.
Now Lets use it in some real life examples.
Mom, all the kids in my class have a blank can I have one? No. .....a. they are too expensive and you don't have a job. b this thing is not necessary and is only a status symbol and if you need it to fit in then you have the wrong idea about what is important and what is not.
Mom, can i get a tatoo piercing, color my hair weird (and any other express myself kind of stuff) NO, while generally you should not judge a person by their looks anyone who goes out of their way to draw negative attention to themselves is not making a personal style statement they are making a negative social statement. find some other way to express yourself.
All my friends get to stay out till midnight! NO! NOTHING good happens after midnight.!
Some responses you may hear from your child are I hate you. you don't understand me la la la.
Suck it up parents. You have to make the decisions because your child is too young to make them. If you allow your children to make bad decisions It doesn't make them bad kids it makes you a bad parent. will they hate you? Yes, for a while. Will they end up upstanding members of society, yes. Will they thank you? Maybe not, but one day you might have the satisfaction of watching them raise their kids with that same wonderful word.

Faith Based

I am not sure where my spirituality lies. I believe in God and the Virgin Mary, but have doubts about Christ. Whats that all about?