Coma Girl

I am feeling nervous and stressed today. I am trying not to live in my head and this is what I get. I am completely unsuited to living in the real world. I would be excellent as a coma patient. Can you force a coma? Its barely 10:15 AM and I really need a Xanax. Butterflies in my stomach. An unshakeable belief that others in my office are planning my demise. Even though one of the ladies sent a very nice email about me to the rest of the group. I guess I have been jacked at work too many times to take things at face value.

I took this quiz on FaceBook. I got Elven Huntress. OMG its so me! (Jenn's connection with reality is extremely tenuous)

You are a warrior at heart, you are nevertheless wise and compassionate in your dealings with others. You never seek to harm, and your fierce heart is well balanced by your noble spirit. You judge others fairly, but you are always vigilant of the evil motives of the uncaring and the corrupt. From these you protect both the innocent and the ignorant, and those whose trust is misguided. You are strong-willed and others look to you for guidance, finding equal measures of safety and risk, drawing out their own self confidence. Whether by speed or by stealth, you pursue and capture the good things in life that you cherish. You are the Elven Huntress

I am actively trying to want what I have. This is forcing me to make enormous changes in my thinking processes but in the long run (or the next 10 years) it will make me a better person. Now the question is do I really want to be a better person or do I just wish I was a less miserable person. I expend lots of energy being envious of people who have more than me financially. More specifically house wise. My house is always dirty, my furniture is beat up beyond belief, I have no carpet and it generally looks like teenagers decorated my house. I really would like nice furniture and carpeting. Not sure how I would go about getting that though. I don't have any money. I have a house that is falling apart. I could not sell this house without suffering huge losses if I could even sell it.
Lord I am a whiney bitch.
So where to start. Lets start with less clutter. I could start with DVD's. I have tons of them that I never watch. I guess I could sell them. I don't know to who. I could buy a purse or something.

Feeling rather down this morning. I did not win the lottery again this week. That is always dissapointing. I should probably stop playing and get on with real life but then what would I do with my imagination?
Mess with Jared. Talked (im'ed) with steff about the whole thing. Both her experience and his. She is willing to talk to him. Let him know it gets better. She was a big mess too. lots of regrets there. I have to stop. Can't think about this.

Suicide

Sometimes its the right thing to do. To try at least. When you are 15 and in tremendous pain that you cannot understand or see past and no one is listening including me. At least this one act if you fail will get you the treatment and attention that you need. My precious boy, my Jared is in that kind of pain. He was diagnosed last summer with a multitude of learning disabilities and disorders. When he came to me to tell me about how scared he was, about his future about his relationships, I so stupidly replied well Jared, you will have to work harder now. Nice. Regrets, I have them.