Self hatred is a wonderful thing. It's a denial of all personal responsibility. If you hate yourself then when others hate you you don't feel hurt or let down. It protects you from all harm. I can be fat because I am not hurting anyone but myself. I can lose jobs because I am a horrid human being and It doesn't hurt anyone but myself.
The actual truth is all this insulating from the world that I have done does hurt others. Its is completely selfish. I cannot give of myself when I have no personal resources. I cannot be a good mother. When i am filled with self-loathing I am critical to my beautiful children. When I am fat I deny my husband a desirable sexual partner. When I lose a job because I lose my temper, I am denying my family much needed income. Not only am I hurting others it is a self full-filling prophecy. I think I am a bad mother, there fore I am. I think i do not deserve to be thin there fore I am fat, I do not deserve to have a job because I cannot be good at it. there fore I am not.
So how did I get here? Who's voice in my head is telling me that I am not good enough? Is it my mother? was she over critical? She felt I did not live up to my potential. I felt I had no potential. Was it my first husband? He blamed me for his alcoholism and his cheating. I bought into it for a while but found the strength to leave. Granted I went home to my mommy, but I left. Am I just completely immature? I don't know. all I know is that I want to change. I want to feel good about myself. I want to be sexually attractive. I didn't for a long time. Again trying to protect myself. But why? From What?

2/17/10
WTF? are you serious? What is wrong with you? These are questions I ask myself a hundred times a day. I am old, unemployed broke stressed and soon to be homeless. I am stretched to the limit and have no out. I can't even kill myself because it would be a financial burden on those left behind as I have no life insurance. the best i can hope for is to get hit by a city bus.
What went wrong you ask? How did I arrive at 50 with nothing but debt? well it started when I bought this house. I had a perfectly good house that I could afford and I let myself get talked into buying this piece of shit (i do love this house) and morgtaging my future. Better schools, better location much larger (3 times) the house payment. then I got fired a bunch of times and things went downhill from there.
Why do I keep getting fired? People don't like me. I am not a nice person. I used to be but then life got the better of me and now I just don't care. thats not true I do care but now I am not so sure how to be a nice person.
And lets talk about the fat. I am 75 pounds overweight. How did I get that way? quite quickly actually. one minute I was doing tae bo three times a week the next I was 250 pounds and no Idea how I got there. more later