Alice Part 2

I went to my mom and asked her for the plane fare. She didn't even ask me for details. I said I had a place to stay and told her how much the plane fare was and when it took off and she went to the bank and got me the money. I have never been so devastated in my life. It was if she had been waiting for this day my whole life.

I took my last paycheck and bought a carton of cigarettes and a bottle of vodka and packed my bag. I flew standby on Alice's flight and got bumped to Miami instead of Ft Lauderdale. I also got a free ride from Miami to Ft Lauderdale. It took Three hours because the shuttle was also dropping people off at bus stations and homes. I had no idea till months later that Miami was only 40 minutes away.

Alice finally came to pick me up around 7 and we went to check out my new garage apartment. It was dark and we were tired and a little drunk having made use of my bottle of Vodka. We went to open the door and it was inhabited by 20 or so 3 inch long lizards. I almost shit myself. I had never even seen a lizard. We decided maybe this was a chore better tackled in the daylight and we went directly to the Elephant Walk a bar nearby. I only mention the name because I can remember it.

It astounds me how fresh that evening remains in my mind. I remember the airport. I remember how warm and green Miami was after leaving Baltimore. I remember the bus ride and the neighborhoods. I remember how glad I was to be there and how it felt like such an adventure. I remember those Damn lizards. I remember the grass in the yard of the house and the tall holly trees. The overgrown hibiscus and oddly enough the old fashioned clothes drying rack. The driveway with the grass growing in the open spaces where the concrete had cracked. the black mailbox and the frosted glass of the Florida room. I remember Alice's Jeep and how great it felt to ride around with the top off in the warm evenings. So many memories of that place. Its more real to me than my home growing up.

When I was in High School I met this girl through my boyfriend Will. I was really jealous of her, she was tall and blonde and skinny and rich. Very soon after I met her I realized that she was just as sweet and funloving as a person could be. She drank a lot and did a lot of drugs but it was the 70's and everyone did, don't let people tell you otherwise.

She was going through a really rough time. she had just moved to Maryland. She was a Navy Brat. Her parents were splitting up. Her Dad was with another woman and made no real attempts to hide it. He was a self indulgent, shallow and self serving kind of guy. His mother had him late in life and he was the golden boy of the family. Naval Academy then the Seals. He never got used to putting others before himself so the kids grew up without feeling as if they had any real value. He and their mom always put dad first. Their mom was obsessed with him. She was so involved in trying to make the marriage work that making her family work was a distant second. The Kids were window dressing really. Their reality was much different than the picture they portrayed. They had the toys but they were virtually orphans. They leaned on each other a lot. I never met siblings who were so close. Having grown up hating my siblings this was a very confusing situation. The Wallace kids were all born within 5 years of each other. To this day I am not sure who is the oldest and what the birth order is. All I know is that Kim is younger than Alice, but not by much.

When we were almost 19 she went to school in Boca Raton. Her dad felt I was a good influence on her and his mother had just inherited a house down there with a garage apartment and basically offered me free room and board as well as assistance in getting into the college if I would try and keep her out of trouble. Going nowhere in my own life I jumped at the chance.
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Coma Girl

I am feeling nervous and stressed today. I am trying not to live in my head and this is what I get. I am completely unsuited to living in the real world. I would be excellent as a coma patient. Can you force a coma? Its barely 10:15 AM and I really need a Xanax. Butterflies in my stomach. An unshakeable belief that others in my office are planning my demise. Even though one of the ladies sent a very nice email about me to the rest of the group. I guess I have been jacked at work too many times to take things at face value.

I took this quiz on FaceBook. I got Elven Huntress. OMG its so me! (Jenn's connection with reality is extremely tenuous)

You are a warrior at heart, you are nevertheless wise and compassionate in your dealings with others. You never seek to harm, and your fierce heart is well balanced by your noble spirit. You judge others fairly, but you are always vigilant of the evil motives of the uncaring and the corrupt. From these you protect both the innocent and the ignorant, and those whose trust is misguided. You are strong-willed and others look to you for guidance, finding equal measures of safety and risk, drawing out their own self confidence. Whether by speed or by stealth, you pursue and capture the good things in life that you cherish. You are the Elven Huntress

I am actively trying to want what I have. This is forcing me to make enormous changes in my thinking processes but in the long run (or the next 10 years) it will make me a better person. Now the question is do I really want to be a better person or do I just wish I was a less miserable person. I expend lots of energy being envious of people who have more than me financially. More specifically house wise. My house is always dirty, my furniture is beat up beyond belief, I have no carpet and it generally looks like teenagers decorated my house. I really would like nice furniture and carpeting. Not sure how I would go about getting that though. I don't have any money. I have a house that is falling apart. I could not sell this house without suffering huge losses if I could even sell it.
Lord I am a whiney bitch.
So where to start. Lets start with less clutter. I could start with DVD's. I have tons of them that I never watch. I guess I could sell them. I don't know to who. I could buy a purse or something.

Feeling rather down this morning. I did not win the lottery again this week. That is always dissapointing. I should probably stop playing and get on with real life but then what would I do with my imagination?
Mess with Jared. Talked (im'ed) with steff about the whole thing. Both her experience and his. She is willing to talk to him. Let him know it gets better. She was a big mess too. lots of regrets there. I have to stop. Can't think about this.

Suicide

Sometimes its the right thing to do. To try at least. When you are 15 and in tremendous pain that you cannot understand or see past and no one is listening including me. At least this one act if you fail will get you the treatment and attention that you need. My precious boy, my Jared is in that kind of pain. He was diagnosed last summer with a multitude of learning disabilities and disorders. When he came to me to tell me about how scared he was, about his future about his relationships, I so stupidly replied well Jared, you will have to work harder now. Nice. Regrets, I have them.

Self hatred is a wonderful thing. It's a denial of all personal responsibility. If you hate yourself then when others hate you you don't feel hurt or let down. It protects you from all harm. I can be fat because I am not hurting anyone but myself. I can lose jobs because I am a horrid human being and It doesn't hurt anyone but myself.
The actual truth is all this insulating from the world that I have done does hurt others. Its is completely selfish. I cannot give of myself when I have no personal resources. I cannot be a good mother. When i am filled with self-loathing I am critical to my beautiful children. When I am fat I deny my husband a desirable sexual partner. When I lose a job because I lose my temper, I am denying my family much needed income. Not only am I hurting others it is a self full-filling prophecy. I think I am a bad mother, there fore I am. I think i do not deserve to be thin there fore I am fat, I do not deserve to have a job because I cannot be good at it. there fore I am not.
So how did I get here? Who's voice in my head is telling me that I am not good enough? Is it my mother? was she over critical? She felt I did not live up to my potential. I felt I had no potential. Was it my first husband? He blamed me for his alcoholism and his cheating. I bought into it for a while but found the strength to leave. Granted I went home to my mommy, but I left. Am I just completely immature? I don't know. all I know is that I want to change. I want to feel good about myself. I want to be sexually attractive. I didn't for a long time. Again trying to protect myself. But why? From What?

2/17/10
WTF? are you serious? What is wrong with you? These are questions I ask myself a hundred times a day. I am old, unemployed broke stressed and soon to be homeless. I am stretched to the limit and have no out. I can't even kill myself because it would be a financial burden on those left behind as I have no life insurance. the best i can hope for is to get hit by a city bus.
What went wrong you ask? How did I arrive at 50 with nothing but debt? well it started when I bought this house. I had a perfectly good house that I could afford and I let myself get talked into buying this piece of shit (i do love this house) and morgtaging my future. Better schools, better location much larger (3 times) the house payment. then I got fired a bunch of times and things went downhill from there.
Why do I keep getting fired? People don't like me. I am not a nice person. I used to be but then life got the better of me and now I just don't care. thats not true I do care but now I am not so sure how to be a nice person.
And lets talk about the fat. I am 75 pounds overweight. How did I get that way? quite quickly actually. one minute I was doing tae bo three times a week the next I was 250 pounds and no Idea how I got there. more later