Self hatred is a wonderful thing. It's a denial of all personal responsibility. If you hate yourself then when others hate you you don't feel hurt or let down. It protects you from all harm. I can be fat because I am not hurting anyone but myself. I can lose jobs because I am a horrid human being and It doesn't hurt anyone but myself.
The actual truth is all this insulating from the world that I have done does hurt others. Its is completely selfish. I cannot give of myself when I have no personal resources. I cannot be a good mother. When i am filled with self-loathing I am critical to my beautiful children. When I am fat I deny my husband a desirable sexual partner. When I lose a job because I lose my temper, I am denying my family much needed income. Not only am I hurting others it is a self full-filling prophecy. I think I am a bad mother, there fore I am. I think i do not deserve to be thin there fore I am fat, I do not deserve to have a job because I cannot be good at it. there fore I am not.
So how did I get here? Who's voice in my head is telling me that I am not good enough? Is it my mother? was she over critical? She felt I did not live up to my potential. I felt I had no potential. Was it my first husband? He blamed me for his alcoholism and his cheating. I bought into it for a while but found the strength to leave. Granted I went home to my mommy, but I left. Am I just completely immature? I don't know. all I know is that I want to change. I want to feel good about myself. I want to be sexually attractive. I didn't for a long time. Again trying to protect myself. But why? From What?